Limb by Limb

Really, the cover art is the worst thing about this album. 

I've been talking a lot about my experiences with cyclothymia lately. That hasn't been my intent, but if you remember my post about the mania part of bi-polarism, there is (at least for me) some amount of obsessioning that goes on. (If Bill Shakespeare could just make up words to suit his needs, then I can too, dammit!) In fact, I had intended to write a whole series of music reviews of albums that came out in 2014. I even have extensive notes on one of them. But since I have the notes, I don't have to worry about forgetting what I wanted to say, and thus it can wait. The ideas for these more personal blogs seem more pressing, and also possibly fleeting, so here we are.

As is often the case, the idea or inspiration for how to say what I have to say came to me from a song. In this case, it is Limb by Limb by Phish. It's off their 1998 album The Story Of The Ghost. Most Phish fans will say all their studio works pale in comparison to the live jams, and of their studio albums, this is among the least liked. So, of course, it is my favorite of theirs. Not only that, taken as a whole artistic unit, it is probably my favorite album released between 1974 and 2002. (It was a rather low period for the album in those years, IMHO).

Anyway, the track Limb by Limb has many bits that I find exceptionally relatable, but I'm going to concentrate just on the chorus here. It reads:

Drop me off the Chinese Wall

And peel my fingers off the rim

I come unglued while in mid-air

And land to reform limb by limb

I think this describes exactly how what I have been going through in just four lines. Two lines, really. Maybe you can even boil it down to two words, unglued and reform. The functional part, though, the part that really helps to understand the process, is Limb by Limb. One step at a time is how you do it. Sometimes very, very small steps.

I've learned some important lessons recently. Part of what I've learned is that all those busy body know-it-all optimists that tell you to “just do it” are right. Sort of. What they are missing, at least for me, is specific instructions. That is what this post is in the end all about.

If you are anything like me, when you are in a depression, it is no exaggeration to say that EVERYTHING looks impossible. Nothing seems worth doing, nothing seems like it could possibly do any good, and most of it even seems undoable. What you are fighting the most is yourself and the excrement covered spectacles that you are seeing your life through. How can this attitude be changed?

I am living proof that it can change (at least in the short term. I'm sure I have a lot of work ahead of me to maintain it in the long term). However, I am not a writer of self help schlock, nor to I buy into hardly any of it at all. What I am about to reveal is what worked for me. I suspect it will work for many others, too, but who knows? I also know that I can't even begin to give you the whole story, that it is much much harder to get started than it appears to be here, and that everybody knows that Round Room is obviously the worst Phish album, period.

Really, the cover art is the best thing about this album. 

Here was my situation. My depression had contributed to me loosing yet another job, and I was living on the edge anyway. I had just recently learned that I had had a heart attack sometime in the past. This would explain why I had no stamina at all and would lose my breath after just a few seconds exertion. I had no self esteem nor confidence. I wasn't quite a hermit, but I was definitely pre-agoriphobic. I felt no sense of place or purpose. I hadn't created hardly anything in years, and worse yet had no ideas at all about how to fix any of it.

I essence, I only had to rebuild three things from scratch: my body, my mind, and my for lack of a better word, soul. To say the least, it was an overwhelming transformation I saw before me. That was in October. Today, less than 3 months later, things look much different. I have not fixed everything yet to be sure, but now it doesn't seem so daunting. I have made much progress.

For my body, I have lost 20 lbs and a few inches (!) round my belly. I can now exercise for about an hour with gym equipment, and I can lift some weights. On New Years Eve, I was able to dance for about 20 minutes, and could have gone on longer if the band hadn't quit. So, big improvements!

My mind: I have written several blog posts in the last month, and created three videos as part of an experiment in teaching myself video editing. I have even come up with a five year plan on how to start my own business. A lot has to happen first, but for the first time in my life I have an answer to “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

My “Soul”. I feel great. I have the confidence to imagine my business. I feel like I could be successful once I land a job. But beyond that, I am building an idea of who I am and where I fit.

Now, for the actual advice. How did I do any of this? One step at a time, limb by limb.

My first piece of advice is to recognize what you have done. Don't so much look at all the shit you haven't done. You know what you haven't done. But what you may be missing, what I was, is the acknowledgment of what you did you. Look, if you wash you dishes, or organize a book shelf, or give your shoulder to a friend in distress, then tell yourself so. Acknowledge that you did it, and give yourself a moment to enjoy that fact.

In order to maximize the likelihood of this acknowledgment, start keeping a list of things you want to do. Keep it simple at first, don't write down big long term goals like “lose 100 pounds” or “get a 50K job”. No, make it just a list for tomorrow, and make it concrete, things that YOU have to DO. Like, for example, make breakfast and take your pills. Those are the first things on my list every day. Then put what you actually want to do tomorrow, such as clean bedroom, do laundry, apply for three jobs, go to the store, whatever. The very last thing on your list should be to write the next day's list.

The beauty of the list is that it helps you to stay on track, but most importantly, it lets you cross things off. Every time you do cross something off is a chance for you to say, I did that! Great! Pat yourself on the back!

One of the hard things about this is that it seems too small to matter, and even if it did matter, it can be almost impossible to know what exactly to do. In essence, major depression totally messes with your ability to make decisions. If this describes you, my best bit of advice is to find ways to take the decisions out of your hands. Find deciders for you, and just do what they tell you to do for a bit.

There were a few times that I let this happen, and it has always been to my benefit recently. Because somebody told me to ask about my heart at a doctor's visit, I found out about my heart attack. My best choice then was to insist to my cardiologist that he get me into a rehab program, because I knew if left to my own devices I would never get off my ass. I also knew that if I had an appointment when I just had to be there, I could do that. Once in the rehab gym, all I had to do was follow directions.

Another time was when I was about to become homeless. Maybe I could go live with mother, maybe my grandmother, maybe my father. I really couldn't care any less at the time. I was at bottom, and had no higher cognitive abilities at all. I just told my mom to deal with it. I eventually was told that I would stay with my dad, and that there would be “rules”. Rather than be put off by the revelation, I was relieved. I knew that I could benefit from structure and supervision. I now keep things around me cleaner. I am doing laundry more often, and all my clothes get properly put away. I clean the bathrooms every week. I clean up in the kitchen right away, and a bunch of other things. I'm doing all these things because my dad wants them done, but I know that they are habits that will serve me well in the future.

After a week or two in his house, something occurred to me, and it struck me like a bolt. It was so profound that I printed it up in bold large font letters and hung it over my monitor, so I see it all the time. It is one of the best lessons I ever figured out on my own. The sign simply says this: Some things you have to care about simply because others care about them.

One of the best things my dad has done for me is to put me in charge of his e-Bay project. He inherited a few dozen never worn wrist watches and some other things two years ago. He hasn't had the time to sell them on e-Bay, and asked me to look into it. This project has allowed me to use writing skills, photography, and organization. It's also given me a lot to cross off of to do lists.

The last example of just following orders I want to mention is that real early on in this process, a friend of mine got real frustrated with my attitude. She told me to tell her every day three things that I did that day for myself. I forgot about it right away, of course, but she asked me the next day. After that, I was forced to think about things I had done each and every day for about two weeks. That was the start of the first step I mentioned way back up there. All these things happened because I was smart enough to see that for a time at least, I was much better off listening to other people's commands rather than my own.

My last bit of advice is to seek professional help. I really don't know how much of my recent improvement is from the exercise, from the doing of things, or from the anti-depressants I'm on. I'm sure each of those things have had some impact, so I can't discount the drugs at all. Be careful about what you let them put you on. Or, at least, monitor exactly what effects the drugs seem to be having, and if they are bad, then let somebody know! But that's later. First, make the call. If you have a doctor, get an appointment. If you don't, or you have no insurance, call the crisis center in your town and get into the system.

So, in summary, do things no matter how small. The best small thing is to make a list. Next, cross things off that list and KNOW that you have done something. And if you can't decide what exactly to do, find somebody that you trust and do whatever they tell you to do. After a bit, and in less time than you think, you will have come farther than you thought you could. While the journey is long, it probably won't seem as daunting. You will get better, step by step and you will reform, limb by limb. 

For part one, go to Cyclothymia

For part two, go to I Don't Know and I Don't Care 
For part three, go to I Get Up I Get Down.

I get up, I get down

It was the day of my 19^th birthday, mid March 1989. It was a cold, drizzly, rainy day. Not at all unusual for my birthday, unless of course we get snow. It just so happened that there was a used record sale happening at the K of C, and for once I was connected to the world enough to actually know about it. I think I got L.A. Woman that day, and I know I picked up Close to the Edge by Yes. Even after a quarter of a century, the three songs that make up that album still quicken my heart and transport me to a magical place. But with lines like “A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace and rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace,” the lyrics didn't exactly connect with me.

However there is a refrain in the song: “I get up, I get down”. For years I sang along with this part, just like the rest of the song, only thinking about it as a lyrical line, notes to be sung with words just because. But recently, I've been thinking a lot about my metal state, not grace, and certainly not my liver rearranged by a seasoned witch. But with cyclothymia, “I get up, I get down” is just about the most succinct way of putting it. In one of my recent posts, I talked a bit about what it is like in the down phase, the depression of bi-polar light. Today, I want to talk a bit about the upside and the cycles.

To recap, cyclothymia is on the bipolar spectrum. It is sometimes called bipolar III or bipolar light. I introduced it here, and talked about the depression aspect of it here. Wikipedia describes the manic phase this way:

Hypomanic episodes. Symptoms of the hypomanic episode include unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria), extreme optimism, inflated self-esteem, rapid speech, racing thoughts, aggressive or hostile behavior, lack of consideration for others, agitation, massively increased physical activity, risky behavior, spending sprees, increased drive to perform or achieve goals, increased sexual drive, decreased need for sleep, tendency to be easily distracted, and inability to concentrate.[2]

Around Thanksgiving my mood started to improve a lot. That week I had to vacate my apartment (that I had just moved into the previous May) and move into my dad's place. I had been working out at cardiac rehab three times a week for about a month by then, and I had been taking anti-depressants for just over two weeks. So, why did my mood improve? A change in environment? External chemicals? Exercise? Internal chemistry? Getting out and being proactive (the act of moving itself) about something? I don't know. It could have been any of those things. I believe it was several or all of these factors playing together. Maybe it's as simple as having reached bottom, and having no other place to go.


So, now that I'm up, am I in a mania? I don't really know. Of the symptoms listed above, I have or have had all of the first five in the last few weeks. For example, I actually had this exact thought as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at rehab: Send me to Mars because I am just too damn good looking for this planet! Now, I don't actually believe that, but I did think it. As far as the other signs go, I've experienced most or all of them in the past, and a few of them recently. But, here's the thing.... remember that Doors song, I've Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up To Me? Are my symptoms at the level of mania or just what normal people feel like from time to time? I mean, does my mood feel extra elevated because it is or recently has been, or because its just so much higher than it was?


A lot of bipolar types go off their meds because they miss the manias. As I stated earlier, I became very zombie like on my original meds, and just didn't have the vocabulary to express it to my care giver. He told me that I was just experiencing what it felt like to be among the mortals now like a normal human being, where as before I was more like Superman. I don't know if I was ever Superman, but I do know I am much more productive sometimes and much less so at others. One of my NPC's toyed with the idea of putting me on anti-depressants, but he was too concerned about pushing me into a mania. I really wished he had.

Seriously, though, that is a concern, and one that I am on the look out for right now. Manias can be very, very destructive, including huge spending sprees and gambling losses. Luckily, I have never gambled, and I have no money or credit with which to spree right now, so I guess that's good?


Just like there are different levels of the down side, there are different levels of up, too. I started trending up around turkey day, and by mid December, I was most definitely at a recent high point. By a few days before Christmas, I had leveled off and mellowed a bit, and just the last two days now I think I am rising again, but not as fast. This move from depression to happiness is at least the third major mood shift this year.


What's it like for me to be in the up cycle? Well, there is both good and bad, but (naturally) it feels a hell of a lot better than the alternative.

• My brain is much more active. Maybe too much so sometimes. Ideas and inspirations come a lot easier. Not only do I feel like writing more, I feel like I have so much more to say. Topics and angles on the topics just come to me. I have much more productive dialogs my head. So creativity is way up.
• However, that can lead to racing thoughts. I can't always concentrate on just one thing at a time, and I can get easily distracted. Boredom sets in a lot easier. This can make writing or even reading much more difficult. A task has to be just the right amount of hard. Too easy, and my mind wanders, too hard and I get frustrated and seek something else to focus on.
• Speaking of focus, this leads quite easily to obsessions, both major and minor, if an obsession can ever be called minor. Once a thought get stuck in your brain, it can just stay there, played on a loop for minutes or even days at a time. In my case, the thought is usually a word or phrase that just gets stuck on a loop. It is a very non-productive use of brain cells. However, sometimes a task or objective becomes the obsession. This could lead to great things, such as 12 hour long writing sessions where a planetarium script goes from a vaguely researched topic to a well constructed and logically laid out nearly final product, or combing through hours of band rehearsals to edit down a half a dozen songs to present to my guitar player.
• But sometimes the boredom wins and I can't find anything to satisfactorily sink my teeth into. The result looks just like what happens when I'm down: lots of TV and web surfing, but the causes are very different. When I'm in a funk, the TV and Youtube provide a distraction from my negative thoughts and life, and let me exist. When I'm up, I am just seeking input to occupy as many neurons as possible.
• Of course, this means I can't really control my thoughts unless I am concentrating. So, falling asleep is an issue. I've learned to keep reading material in my bedroom at all times. Of course, finding the right thing to read is sometimes problematic (see above) but at best it calms my brain enough to let me drift off to sleep. At worst, I get a lot of reading done. The other thing I usually need is music all night, as that can also let my brain focus on something and calm it down.

And finally, I just feel good. I have energy. I don't loath going out or talking with people (as much?). I get stuff done. Granted, it's not always the stuff I was supposed to be doing, but still, it's stuff. And it gets done. That's better than a poke in the eye. But there is such a thing as feeling too good. A swagger can turn into cockiness. An eagerness to interact with others can turn into carelessness about what you say and how you say it. In other words, it can lead to social disasters.

In the end, everything is so much better on the mania side of neutral than the depression side. I have confidence to try things. I'm much more productive and creative. I take much better care of myself. There are dangers, though. Things can be taken too far. Feelings can get hurt. Recklessness can wreck things. 
 
My goal here is to stay on the daylight side of my moon terminator as much as possible, while avoiding high noon if I can.

As usual, there is so much more that I wanted to say, but I am now on page three of my draft, and that's long enough (too long?) for any readers I might have. As most any creative person knows, projects are never “completed”, just abandoned when time runs out. I really want to post this yet this year, and have to edit it and make it look nice before I get called out to be a taxi service tonight, New Years Eve. So, if I make it, and this has a date of 31-Dec-2014 on it, congratulate me on a successful abandonment, and have yourself a damn fine New Year!

For part one, go to Cyclothymia

For part two, go to I Don't Know and I Don't Care 
For part four, go to Limb by Limb 

Cyclothymia

Well, it's time to talk about mental illness. In a slow way at first, nothing too deep, so don't be scared. My close friends already know this, and so few people have ever read my blog that maybe that will still be the case. But I want to publicly talk about some personal things now, mixed in with all the science, agnosticism, left wing thoughts and music and book reviews, of course.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with cyclothymia. First, the scary sounding bit: It is on the bipolar spectrum. According to Wikipedia, it is also called bipolar III. But it's also been called bipolar light, so there's that. The name literally translates into plain English as “mood swings”. To be honest, I'm not so sure I've got the exact right diagnosis, but that is also something I am ready to explore, and will mention sometime in the future should I find out for sure.

At least one fairly famous person has come out and admitted that he also has been diagnosed with cyclothymia: Stephen Fry. He even did a BBC special about his disease, though in many ways his symptoms seem much more severe than mine.

There are two main parts of being cyclothymic, the highs and the lows. Of the two, I much prefer the manias, or the highs. Although, its when I'm feeling good that most of my social errors happen.

Again, according to Wikipedia: 

 Hypomanic episodes. Symptoms of the hypomanic episode include unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria), extreme optimism, inflated self-esteem, rapid speech, racing thoughts, aggressive or hostile behavior, lack of consideration for others, agitation, massively increased physical activity, risky behavior, spending sprees, increased drive to perform or achieve goals, increased sexual drive, decreased need for sleep, tendency to be easily distracted, and inability to concentrate.[2]

I have experienced most all of those symptoms in one degree of intensity or another. Its hard for me to be “extreme” in my optimism, and I rarely actually get hostile. At least I think so. And there is the case of massively increased physical activity. That hasn't really been a thing, either. But most of the others, spot on.

On the downstroke, Wikipedia says this:  

Depressive/dysthymic episodes. Symptoms of the depressive/dysthymic phase include difficulty making decisions, problems concentrating, poor memory recall, guilt, self-criticism, low self-esteem, pessimism, self-destructive thinking, constant sadness, apathy, hopelessness, helplessness and irritability. Also common are quick temper, poor judgment, lack of motivation, social withdrawal, appetite change, lack of sexual desire, self-neglect, fatigue, insomnia and sleepiness.[9]

These all sound about right. And most recently, since I've been diagnosed, I'm wondering if I spent too much time in the depressive state to not count as a major episode. The details of all this will be for a future blog, but for now suffice to say that Jim Morrison got it right.

For part two, go to I Don't Know and I Don't Care 
For part three, go to I Get Up I Get Down.
For part four, go to Limb by Limb