10 Books Meme

This meme was making the rounds on Facebook, and instead of just listing the books, I thought I would expand on it. 

"List 10 books that have stayed with you in some way. Don't take more than a few minutes, and don't think too hard. It's not about the "right book" or great works of literature, just ones that have affected you in some way. Doesn't have to be in order. Feel free to play along if you'd like, I'm not tagging anyone."

Paddington Bear. I don't remember much, but I do remember that at such a young age I thought that England must be a strange and fascinating place, with cricket and orange marmalade.

The Soup books. Soup was a boy growing up during the Depression. His best friend wrote and narrated at least two books about him, and what a troublemaker he was. He would smoke corn silks and try to get extra cash by putting a pebble inside the tin-foil he was selling back. Apparently Soup grew up to be a Minister.

The Doonesbury comic books. I discovered them in HS, and got the whole collection from the start in 71 or so through the early 80's. Not only were they incredibly funny, but they were also a recent history lesson!

Almost anything by Kurt Vonnegut. I will single out Breakfast of Champions just because it was the first one I read. He presented such a bleak view of the world, but with just enough hope in it to make it bearable, but just. I felt kinship there.

Arthur C Clarke's The City and the Stars. Just an amazing story, considering when it was written. It was a hard choice between this one and Childhood's End, but in the end, TCATS was read first.

Lord of the Rings. Once I finally got through it, I read it once every year or so. I even got my grandpa to read it. He didn't quit know what to make of it, but was damn interested in seeing just how the hell they were going to make a movie out of it. He died before he had a chance to find out.

The God Particle by Leon Lederman. A very funny and informative book about the history for the search for the smallest particle. It goes as far back as the ancient Greeks right up to the early 90's. Very excellent primer on particle physics.

(tie) Blind Watchers of the Sky by Rocky Kolb and Coming of Age in the Milky Way by Timothy Ferris. Its hard to separate these two in my mind. They both deal with the history of and (1990's) current state of astronomy. One deals with the science better, the other with the human stories better, but both cover a bit of each. I can't recommend them enough. (see my review of Blind Watchers here)

The Demon Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark. Carl Sagan's last book. It wasn't until I read this book that I really understood how a good scientist and skeptic thinks. A lot of it is dedicated to "debunking" things like UFOs and ghosts and such, but in a very sober and informative way. He not only shows why these things are not likely to be true, but also how and why we believe such things, and where there is actually interesting things (about us) to examine from such claims. And much more. I really think it should be required reading for every HS student, and again in collage. Its one of the few books I truly feel would help make the world a better place if we all read and understood what it said. (see my review here)

The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. His first book for the non-scientist. Its about evolution, and looking at it from the gene's "perspective". Very easy to follow and logically laid out. His other books on evolution are also captivating, but once again, this was the first of his on this subject that I read. Dawkins is probably the best writer of actual science that I have ever encountered, at least for me.

I Don't Know and I Don't Care

The other day I posted a blog about my being diagnosed with cyclothymia, or bipolar light. I ended it with a link to The Doors' “I've Been Down So Goddamn Long That it Looks Like Up To Me”. I never really knew how true that could be until just a few weeks ago. I had just started cardiac rehab (details about how my life has pretty much hit rock bottom in a later blog, just roll with it for now) and they screened me for depression. I scored high (or low?) enough that they had me take a follow up. It asked questions just about the previous 7 days. Now, I felt that I had had a pretty good week, mood wise. Not wonderful, to be sure, but I was feeling much better than my recent average. It was a self tally quiz, so I added up my score. Anything over a 16 was cause for major concern. I scored 30.

Yup, on what I thought was a good week, I nearly doubled the “holy shit get yourself some help” bar. I laughed my ass off! For like five minutes. It was the best damn belly laugh I'd had in years. To me, this was so funny, but funny in the sense of it's much better to laugh than cry kind of way. So, I made an appointment with my PCP and got on some anti-depressants. Maybe they're working now, maybe its the exercise I've been getting at rehab, or maybe its just my chemistry, but I am feeling much, much better now. Good enough to write again.

In this blog, we are going to talk about what it's like to be in a low. For me, at least. I can't say what others go trough, exactly. It isn't going to be terribly fun, nor is it a feel good piece. So, to soften the blow a bit, here are some cute cat videos. 

(Note: parts of the following are in the 2^nd person. I'm sure my English teachers and any editors, professional or amateur, out there would berate me for the switching of perspective like that, but it happened naturally, and I like the result. Maybe I did it to distance myself from the memories, but I think it also has the effect of putting the reader into my mind space a bit better. Whatever.)

Older Man to HS Kid: Are you ignorant or just apathetic?

HS Kid: I don't know and I don't care. (ba-da-dum)

So, what's it like to be in a low? Its a lot like being that high school kid, but in like a BAD way. On a good day during a down period, you just sort of exist. If you're lucky, you can ignore most of the terrible things in your life and in your head and just sort of.... make it through to the next sleep cycle. But even in a low, there are fluctuations about how low it can go.

I used to think I was just sort of a down person. For 20 years I would see the commercials about depression and think that maybe I had some of those signs, but it just never seemed that bad. I would hear about the people who could not even get out of bed to get to work, or that tried to kill themselves. Well, I wasn't there, so maybe it was just me and I needed to learn to deal.

Let me tell you this, if you think you may possibly maybe even a little bit need some help, you can use the help! Not all help works for everybody, but trying is a good portion of the battle. Really, ask for help, and get started into some system or program or buddy system or whatever. Just reach out to somebody. PSA over.

So it doesn't have to be like what the ads say, or the “worst case scenario” or something drastic. After a while, and maybe with some negative things happening in life, the best of us just sort of... break. Looking back, I know I've been broke for at least a decade, maybe much longer. Maybe I was never unbroke, but life just hadn't entirely caught up to me yet. After 2003, life and I were neck and neck, and then in 2008 life went right past me. In 2012 or so, life lapped me and bitch slapped me on its way around for good measure. By this year, I wasn't even running any more. And that brings us to what that's like, the lowest of the low.

First off, there's the apathy. Now, this happened after I first sought treatment and was told I was on the bipolar spectrum. They could only give me drugs that still had company sponsored handouts, due to my lack of insurance. I don't know if that was the only reason or not, but I ended up on a few different anti-psychotics that were given to bi-polar I and II patients, as well as schizophrenics. They were all described as “mood stabilizers”. That they did. At first, I was happy with the effects. I was much calmer and could handle things easier. But after a while, I just sort of disappeared. I ignored everyone I should have payed attention to. I stopped cooking, I stopped cleaning, I watched each and every single episode of Star Trek ever made.

Somewhere in there, my girl friend moved out.

I stopped even checking my mail for months at a time. The money I was making at my driving job just wasn't enough to pay everything that had to be paid, and so that got ignored. I stopped reading. I even stopped listening to music. When I was driving nights, I had music on in the car, but never tapped my fingers, never sang along. When I started driving days, I had NPR on all the time, just to have fresh new information to digest, and take my mind off of, you know, existence. I also stopped taking my meds in hopes of regaining some small modicum of interest in things, in people, in myself. It took a while, but things improved until the next major setback, and I was right back to the apathy.

The apathy is destructive enough on it's own, but the much more painful problem is the blackness. We've all heard of the blues. I can live with the blues no problem. But a few times in my life I have hit black. Once, in early 2009, I thought I had gotten as black as I could get, but I now know that was just a dark gray.

The Blackness is much worse. It has a lot to do with self image, and world view, and just pain. Not physical pain, but existential torment. Just being alive, aware of time passing, is intolerable. It's one thing to know you are a failure by many of life's metrics, but it's entirely another thing to feel that you are a failure; to feel it in your bones. On the way down, you feel so terribly lonely, isolated, maybe even abandoned. But then you shun company, you don't seek out others. You only leave your house when needed, and you find any excuse to not need to. You are just barely above a shut in.  The only thing separating you from a hoarder is the time it takes to accumulate 3 feet of junk in your home. When the depression is this bad, you can not even remember what it feels like to have ever felt joy. You can't connect to that happier person you were at some point, even if it was just days ago. In the pit, you are so low you don't even think about killing yourself, you just deeply wish that you had never been born. You come to even resent existing.

And of course, there's the dealing with life.  Or, that is to say, not dealing with it.  Maybe its the apathy, maybe it's the zero sense of self worth, but what ever it is, the effect is that you are paralyzed.  You see the train coming right at your stalled car on the tracks, but you can't move.  You can't even open the door to save yourself, because you are just stuck.  You don't know what to do, or even how to form a plan

The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

It seems like there is so much more to say, but I have rambled on for too long already. I'll just leave you with this: in the last few weeks, I am on an emotional upswing. I am feeling much, much better, but maybe even too good.  My situation hasn't changed much, but my mood has. I can't say for sure, but maybe I'm in a manic phase right now. But more on that later.

For the first installment, go to Cyclothymia. 

For the third installment, go to I get up, I get down.  

For the fourth installment, go to Limb by Limb.  

Cyclothymia

Well, it's time to talk about mental illness. In a slow way at first, nothing too deep, so don't be scared. My close friends already know this, and so few people have ever read my blog that maybe that will still be the case. But I want to publicly talk about some personal things now, mixed in with all the science, agnosticism, left wing thoughts and music and book reviews, of course.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with cyclothymia. First, the scary sounding bit: It is on the bipolar spectrum. According to Wikipedia, it is also called bipolar III. But it's also been called bipolar light, so there's that. The name literally translates into plain English as “mood swings”. To be honest, I'm not so sure I've got the exact right diagnosis, but that is also something I am ready to explore, and will mention sometime in the future should I find out for sure.

At least one fairly famous person has come out and admitted that he also has been diagnosed with cyclothymia: Stephen Fry. He even did a BBC special about his disease, though in many ways his symptoms seem much more severe than mine.

There are two main parts of being cyclothymic, the highs and the lows. Of the two, I much prefer the manias, or the highs. Although, its when I'm feeling good that most of my social errors happen.

Again, according to Wikipedia: 

 Hypomanic episodes. Symptoms of the hypomanic episode include unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria), extreme optimism, inflated self-esteem, rapid speech, racing thoughts, aggressive or hostile behavior, lack of consideration for others, agitation, massively increased physical activity, risky behavior, spending sprees, increased drive to perform or achieve goals, increased sexual drive, decreased need for sleep, tendency to be easily distracted, and inability to concentrate.[2]

I have experienced most all of those symptoms in one degree of intensity or another. Its hard for me to be “extreme” in my optimism, and I rarely actually get hostile. At least I think so. And there is the case of massively increased physical activity. That hasn't really been a thing, either. But most of the others, spot on.

On the downstroke, Wikipedia says this:  

Depressive/dysthymic episodes. Symptoms of the depressive/dysthymic phase include difficulty making decisions, problems concentrating, poor memory recall, guilt, self-criticism, low self-esteem, pessimism, self-destructive thinking, constant sadness, apathy, hopelessness, helplessness and irritability. Also common are quick temper, poor judgment, lack of motivation, social withdrawal, appetite change, lack of sexual desire, self-neglect, fatigue, insomnia and sleepiness.[9]

These all sound about right. And most recently, since I've been diagnosed, I'm wondering if I spent too much time in the depressive state to not count as a major episode. The details of all this will be for a future blog, but for now suffice to say that Jim Morrison got it right.

For part two, go to I Don't Know and I Don't Care 
For part three, go to I Get Up I Get Down.
For part four, go to Limb by Limb

Old Book Reviews, Part Four: Worlds Without End

This is the fourth and last of the book reviews I had published in the SEPA Journal, o' those many years ago.  To be honest, I don't think I've read this book since I reviewed it, but after rereading the review, I would like too.  Sadly, I have a vague memory of donating it to Ritter Planetarium for a display on planet formation.  Sigh.

Worlds Without End—The Exploration of Planets Known and Unknown

By John S. Lewis

Copyright 1998

240 Pages

Helix Books-Perseus Books

ISBN 0-7382-0170-7

Paperback $13.00

 Buy at Amazon

Do we live on the best of all possible worlds? John Lewis, Professor of Planetary Sciences at the University of Arizona-Tuscon, puts this age-old question to the test in “Worlds Without End”.

I have to admit that I misread the cover notes of the book. When I first picked it up, I had assumed that it was a book on current ideas of planet formation, and how the new extra-solar planets are putting a slight kink into these ideas. In part, that’s what Worlds Without End is. But it is also much more.

The author does vividly describe the formation of our solar system. He goes into great detail about the chemical and physical properties of the accretion disk, step by step taking the reader through the processes of planet formation right up to the present day.

After explaining the solar system we have, he starts to tinker with reality by asking “what if”. What would the Earth be like if it were 10 times more massive than it is, or 1/10^th the mass, and everything else stayed the same? What if instead of a G star, our Sun was an O, F, or K? Lewis plays with the parameters of planets we know, and tries to come up with many, in not most, of the types of environments we can expect to find in the Universe.

Throughout the book, Lewis is searching for places where life might somehow exist. He considers almost every location: Very Earth-like planets, gas giants, satellites, and even brown dwarfs. He even examines star systems with two or more stars and planets ejected into interstellar space.

Not surprisingly, he dismisses many environments. A planet around an O or B star would not have enough time to become biologically interesting before it’s star died. The life zone around the lowest mass stars is so close that any planet there would be tidally locked at best, or ripped apart at worst.

Throughout the book, Lewis straddles the line between being too general and too technical. I found the book to be stimulating rather than challenging. His writing style is very well polished, each thought logically leading to the next. Even the flow between chapters was almost seamless.

In essence, Worlds Without End is a thought experiment, a scientifically grounded flight of fancy. He tries to answer the question of just how Earth-like a planet must be to be considered “Earthlike”. I found his conclusions to be both thought provoking and entertaining.

Old Book Reviews, Part Three: The Demon Haunted World

The third of my rediscovered book reviews first published in the the SEPA Journal.  The target audience of this review were planetarians and other astronomy educators, but that shouldn't take away from the overall gist of things.  BTW:  I really cannot endorse this book enough!  I've read it a few more times since this review, and I can honestly say that it is one of books that have had a great impact on my thinking. 

The Demon-Haunted World:  Science as a Candle in the Dark
by Carl Sagan
©1996
ISBN # 0-345-4096-9
Ballantine
$14.00
434 pages

 

Buy at Amazon

I have often wondered how today’s society would be viewed by an observer in the distant
future.  When I first posed that question to myself, I came up with answers such as great
advances in medical science, the first space flight, and the unleashing of the atom.  Over
the last few years, though, I started to look around and see things like 1-900 psychic
numbers, the Harmonic Convergence and other planetary alignments, and alien
abductions.  I began to wonder if we would be perceived any differently from the
superstitious peasants of the Middle Ages.

Since I have started working in the Planetarium community, I have spent much more time
thinking about such things.  We’ve all had our encounters with the public and their
misconceptions and misunderstandings about science.  Sadly, many of us are now more
surprised by the person who is well informed and curious, rather than misinformed and
afraid.

In The Demon-Haunted World, Carl Sagan takes a long, hard look at both our present and
past understanding of science and the world around us.  The overall picture he draws is
not pretty.  Even in this age of rapid scientific advancement and communication, we as a
whole still continue to be a superstitious, ignorant conglomeration of people.

The main functions of Sagan’s book are to define science and to show how its methods
and principles are invaluable tools in all aspects of life.  This he does very well.  A
secondary function of the book is to debunk much of the pseudo-science that is prevalent
in the world today.  This he does even better.

Sagan explores the phenomena of alien abduction in great detail, without wallowing in
too much minutia.  Like any good scientist must, he appears to approach the topic with an
open mind.  He lays out many arguments and evidence put forth by the believers of these
abductions, as well as the counter arguments.  Rather than just dismissing the claims, he
tries to discover the truth.  His conclusions are very lucid, even if they are what you
would expect.

Along the way, we discover an almost frighteningly close parallel between the belief in
aliens today and the belief in incubi and witches of yesteryear.  One begins to question
whether we have advanced at all.

Overall, the book was a joy to read.  I must say I was surprised at how easy it was to get
through, and how much of it stayed with me after I was done reading it.  I have only two
complaints about the book.  First, in many parts it feels like a set of shorter essays strung
together, sometimes seeming to shift from one topic to another.  Second, many of the
chapter titles are rather vague.  It’s hard to go back and locate a specific part for review.

Even so, The Demon-Haunted World is one of the best non-fiction books I have ever
read.  After completing it, I felt inspired and invigorated in my work as a planetarian.  I
wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone, especially those in the science education
field.

Old Book Reviews, Part Two: Blind Wachers of the Sky

This is the second of old book reviews I found in my archives.  First published in the SEPA Journal, (Southeastern Planetarium Association) it was written for an audience already familiar with the history of astronomy.  Still, that shouldn't take away from the original message of the piece, which is to READ THIS BOOK!  :)

Blind Watchers of the Sky -- The People and Ideas that Shaped Our View of the
Universe.
by Rocky Kolb
©1996
ISBN # 0-201-15496-X Pbk
Helix Books
$14.00
338 pages

 

Buy it at Amazon

Before I begin my review of this book, I feel I should -in the spirit of full disclosure-
admit that I have a strong bias in favor of the chosen subject matter and writing style.
There, now that that’s out of the way, the rest of what I have to say boils down to this:
READ THIS BOOK!  It really is a treasure, and should be the source of a great deal of
inspiration to all of us.

Like several other books in the last decade (The God Particle and Coming of Age in the
Milky Way come to mind) Mr. Kolb’s book takes us on a historical journey of science. In
some ways, the scope of that journey is smaller and more focused than is presented in the
other two books, but is also more warm and intimate, more human.

Blind Watchers of the Sky is divided into three parts:  The Solar System, The Galaxy, and
The Universe. Roughly chronological, the story of how we as a civilization have
expanded our understanding of the scope and workings of our universe starts with Tycho
Brahe and works up to today (or at least 1996).

If forced to pick, I would have to say that part one was my favorite. The four chapters
here concentrate on Brahe, Kepler, Galileo and Newton, respectively. Most of us are at
least somewhat familiar with the lives of these legends, but Mr. Kolb breathes life into
them as people. His relaxed writing style really soars here.  Especially nice is Mr. Kolb’s
tendency to put historical events in the context of modern times. (Imagine Tycho Brahe
having to deal with a congressional committee!)

Part two relates how we began to come to terms with the size of our surroundings, from
the Earth and the solar system, all the way to the farthest galaxies. (hint:  we know how
big the universe is because of a hole in the ground in Aswan.) It also has one of the best
recountings of the Shapley/Curtis debates on the nature of the spiral nebulae.

Part three takes us into the realm of the expanding universe. (“The expansion of the
universe is an expansion of space, not an expansion of galaxies into space” is now my
new mantra whenever my mind boggles.) Hubble, Einstein, Penzias, Wilson, and others
are covered here.  Like every other character in his narrative, Mr. Kolb truly fleshes them
out, makes them real.

Blind Watchers is intended for the lay reader, but should be fascinating to even the most
technical among us. The stories related within it’s pages are our stories, our common
heritage in the world of astronomy. It is a pleasant look back at the past, to see how far
we have come. Only with that understanding, can we appreciate how far we have yet to
go.

Old Book Reviews, Part One: Starry Messenger

I was going through some old files the other day, when I found some book reviews I had published in the Southeastern Planetarium Association (SEPA) Newsletter in the late 90's.  I thought they were fun, or at least something to pad my blog with, so without any more delay, here is the first of up to four.  

Starry Messenger:  Galileo Galilei
Created and Illustrated by Peter Sis
© 1996
Frances Foster Books
37 pages
$16.00

 

http://www.petersis.com/content/starry_messenger.html

While visiting Nashville, TN last year, Waylena McCully and I were fantasy shopping in,
where else, the local book stores. Walking that thin line between desire and sensibility is
always a risk, but we both managed to escape with our wallets non the worse for wear.
This was made all the more remarkable when you take into account the surprising find of
the year.

Waylena was browsing the children’s section when she happened upon a gem of a book.
Starry Messenger has the look and feel of a children’s book, but it’s subject matter is a
little heavier than most of the genre.

Drawn in first by its ornate and beautiful artwork, we sat and read the whole book right
there, mesmerized by each turn of the page.  Each page is divided into wonderful
drawings and two kinds of text.  Large, friendly fonts relate the basics of Galileo’s life
and his accomplishments.  Acting as a supplement to this, handwriting give’s details for
the more curious, but is not needed if reading the book to a child.  (More on that later.)

As we read the book there in the store, a passerby would have heard the following
exchange:  “You don’t think it will go into...”  “No way, it couldn’t...”  To the surprise of
both of us, it did. 

For a children’s book, Starry Messenger deals with the trial and conviction of Galileo
quite frankly and openly.  One of the passages in the book reads:  “Galileo was afraid. He
knew that people had suffered terrible torture and punishment for not following
tradition.” We were both quite impressed with the honesty.  However, I’m not sure that
all parents would feel the same way that we did.

The artwork is absolutely outstanding, and is by far the best part of the book.  Large,
woodcut type color illustrations range from the simply beautiful to downright frightening.
Each is superbly detailed, and will supply literally hours of enjoyment examining them.

Now over a year later, I have finally tracked down a copy of the book for very my own. I
highly recommend it for anyone interested in the history of astronomy and science.  It is
well worth the price for the pictures alone. (Have I mentioned how stunning they are?)

But as far as giving the book to a kid, I really don’t know.  To be honest, I would be
hesitant to read it to any child without clearing it with their parents.  That said, Starry
Messenger will be proudly displayed on my bookshelf.