I wonder... Instead of limiting
campaign contributions in any way, and making all political donations
transparent and disclosed, what would be the results if we made all
political giving anonymous? Not even the candidate nor his/her staff
would be aloud to know where the money is coming from.
What do you suppose the overlap is
between those that talk of personal liberties and the impending
police state, and those that say if only these people would have done
what the cops said to do they would still be alive?
Does anybody else think of a podium as
the Locution Location?
The problem with any economic or
governmental system based on enlightened self interest or "man's
rational nature" is that human beings, taken as a whole, are
neither enlightened nor rational.
If you ever feel like saying, "I
don't care what the numbers/data/science says, I know what my guts
say," just remember that your guts have shit for brains.
Just wondering... what difference would it make, if any, in public
opinion and then public policy, if things like crime statistics and
reporting stopped using race as a category, and instead used economic
demographics. Black on black murder or crime would not be used, for
example, instead we would only look at the numbers from an average
income per neighborhood or even zip code point of view. So no more,
"a black man has an x percent chance of being murdered or jailed
by the time he is 30" and change that into "Men from
neighborhoods with an average income of 0 to $20K have x percent
chance..." and "Families from neighborhoods with incomes
between $100k and $250 are 50 times more likely to start their own
business," or whatever.
My hypothesis is that race is a non-factor in what becomes of us,
but our economic environment is, and that if we were to start looking
and presenting whatever data we have in that light, and not race, we
would be able to focus on the real problems.
I have recently come across the word
Homunculus something like three or four time. It's a lovely word, but
I'm just not sure how to slip it into casual conversation.
OK, what do you think the overlap of
these groups are: those who are pro-globalization and those that are
very anti-one world government. Conversely, how about those that are
pro-one world government but very anti-globalization?
After some deep consideration, self
reflection and soul searching, I have concluded that I am indeed, at
least a little bit, about the treble.
Thought of the day: when ever you buy
TP, you're flushing money down the toilet.
And finally, what do you think the overlap is between men who consider themselves "rugged" individuals and those that have heated steering wheels?
Recently, I read a post by Mark Manson
called The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.
In it, he argues that fucks should be conserved and not given over
especially trivial things. Fucks are valuable, and should only be
given to things that are truly worthy of being given a fuck over.
Essentially, he is saying “don't sweat the small stuff.” I urge
you to read his piece, even though it makes my writing look very
amateurish next to it, but I don't give a fuck.
And while I think he is right, to get
ahead and make something of yourself, you have to let go and just not
give a fuck. But you SHOULD give a SHIT. While fucks are precious
and limited, shits are filthy and should be given, expelled even.
Not giving a fuck means plowing through
the hard times, putting your shoulder to the grindstone (whatever)
and just getting on with it. I guess the Brits would say “Carry
on” right after advising to “Keep Calm”, but they always were
more civilized than we 'Mericans.
Not giving a shit, though, means you
have just given up. “I just don't give a shit” is what you say
when you DON'T do something you should: The snow is piling up on
your side walk, the grass is 10 inches tall, you haven't opened your
mail in three months, etc. You don't do these things because you just
don't give a shit anymore.
I can't remember when I first started
not giving a shit. Certainly, there were certain things at a very
young age I just didn't give a fuck about, such as the kids reaction
to my proclivity for tweed caps in jr high. But at the same time I
didn't give a shit about my things, and would often mistreat them
through negligence. It just wasn't important to me to whether or not
my Star Wars action figures were in pristine condition 20 years in
the future when they would be worth something. To me, they were
worth something then, when I played with them and enjoyed the hell
out of them. I didn't give a shit about books. Books were to be
read, spines were to be broken. Because of that, I never got nice
hard cover books. But I sure as hell tried to keep my records in
pretty good shape, mostly I guess because otherwise they would be
unplayable.
Certainly, as I grew older, I started
giving a shit much more often. I would pay attention to things like
getting the part in my hair just the way I liked it. I started
taking pride in how well my yard looked after I mowed it. When I
first bought my house, I tried to keep it neat and organized.
My niece complains about my "walls of text", so lets
take a moment and enjoy this quality product advertisement.
But, as you know if you have been a
long time reader (okay, long time being 6 weeks or so) of Missives and
Mischief, I have had some issues with mood disorders. Mostly mine,
but other peoples' too, from time to time. The worst of it happened
after I first sought help, though. I was put on meds designed to
“stabilize” my mood, not on anti-depressants. They were afraid
to prescribe those, as it might push me into a manic phase. Many bi-polars
that quit taking their meds do so because they miss the manias. But
stabilize me they did. I didn't feel depressed, and I was so
relieved to not feel depressed that for a very long time I didn't realize that I
didn't feel anything.
Over time, I became
apathetic about almost everything. I just didn't give a shit
anymore. I didn't give a shit about my yard. I didn't give a shit
about my house. Nor my dishes. Nor whether or not I took a shower
or had particularly clean clothes. I stopped writing my blog, sure,
but I also stopped writing rants and raves on Facebook. I stopped
posting at all, or even checking it. That doesn't sound so bad,
until you realized that was my biggest social outlet.
I stopped giving a shit about my
girlfriend.
That one I really didn't notice. I
failed to notice it so much that I argued with her that I was
improving and doing better. But really, I just didn't give a shit.
When she left I acted pissed a bit more than I was, cause you're
supposed to. I wasn't even that pissed when she stared dating one of
my best friends. I was hurt, I felt betrayed, but I wasn't exactly
pissed. However, it did depress me even more, even if the drugs
didn't let me feel it.
I so much didn't give a shit that I
didn't check my mail for months, and missed an appointment. I didn't
see the letter saying I had to contact them by a certain date or I
would be dropped from the program until the day after the deadline.
That I really didn't give a shit about. When I ran out of meds, I
just stopped taking them.
Again, my niece doesn't like so much text. Kids these days, amiright?
Some things changed a bit after that.
One day I noticed that something sad and moving on the TV actually
moved me, just a bit. On another day, I noticed I was actually happy
for like five minutes. Slowly, my moods were returning. But I still
didn't give a shit about anything that I should have.
Last spring I finally started to come
out of it a bit. I started to engage with friends, and found some
purpose in just being there for others, to be a support in my own
humble way. I even discovered I had acquired some wisdom,
but I'm not sure how the hell that happened. I wasn't
recovering enough to save my house from the bank or anything, but
maybe a new start in a new place would be the ticket.
To some degree it was, but not enough.
I was still on auto-pilot for many things. The depression came back
big time, and I knew I had hit bottom. There simply was no other
place to go.
As I've mentioned elsewhere, I have
sought help again. I am on anti-depressants, I am exercising, I am
looking for work (and have found part time work) and I am taking
better care of myself.
I tell you, dear reader, all of this
for one reason only. Its not for you to feel sorry for me in anyway.
Its so that you understand where I'm coming from, and that I know of
what I speak. I am telling you all of this in case you are going
through something remotely like what I am, so that you know you are
not the only one, and that there is hope for a change for the better.
(okay, that's more than one reason, but I don't give a fuck)
It is not only important to give shits,
it is vital! If you keep all your shits, you will be full of shit
and a complete shithead, and eventually you will be a piece of shit.
Give a shit about yourself. Give a shit
about what you put into your body and in your mind. Give a shit how
you treat your body and your mind. Give a shit about the people you
spend time with, not only about the way you treat them, but the way
they treat you. Give a shit about your environment, how you treat it
and how it treats you.*
When you give all these shits, you will
feel much, much better. Just remember to wipe!
The Beatles need no reason.
As usual, please leave comments below. Once again, I seem to have at least some occasional readers in the UK, Ireland, and other ports of call in Europe. So, where ever you are, I'm curious who's actually reading this stuff. If just bots, so be it, but if actual sentient beings are reading it, just drop a one word (or more) comment about where you hang your hat.
*I'm not talking about the hippy tree
hugging sense of environment, although you should give a shit about
that tool. I'm talking about your personal environment, your home,
your work station, your car, whatever. You figure out the details.
As promised, more 2014 music.
In case you missed Part I, this is just a quick look at the music I
found last year that I at one point or another liked enough to save
to my Spotify 2014 playlist. So naturally, most of it I will give
positive reviews, but not all of them.
Disclaimer: My listening habits have
really changed with older age and newer technology. Instead of
absorbing most albums as a hole unit, most of my listening has been
collecting large amount of music together and hitting random. This
is especially true since circumstances have dictated that I just
haven't been able to buy music like I used to, thus the Spotify
account. This means that I haven't really had a chance to absorb most of these albums as albums. I am going back to them as I write these blurbs, thus the idea of the "Instant Rating".
Jack White – Lazaretto
Really, what can I possibly say to make
you check this out if you haven't already? I'm a HUGE Jack White fan,
and have found that nearly every album he's been a creative part of
is better than the last. I have no idea if I'm in the minority or
not with that opinion. I'm just aware of the celebrity scene enough
to know that Jack has made a bit of a name for himself, and if you
were interested you would already have given it a spin.
That said, I'm really enjoying his solo
work. I feel that Mr White is maturing as a musician as I'm maturing
as a person. He has always showed a deep love and understanding of
Rock music, and it's older cousin, the Blues. But now, with just his
name on the cover, he seems to feel more free to explore the
nooks and crannies of Pop/Rock. There is no real
“concept” behind the project, where as the White Stripes, the
Raconteurs, and the Dead Weather all seemed to be about specific
musical identities. As a solo artist, he is free to hire different
musicians for different musical topographies, so his albums sound
just a bit less coherent, but also a bit more adventurous.
There really isn't a single song on
Lazaretto to sum up the entire thing, but the video for the
instrumental High Ball Stepper is kick ass, so enjoy some eye candy
and a pretty solid song as well. And then if you're not already a
fan, go and listen to the rest of the album in the back ground a few
times over the next month or so, and see if maybe you like Jack White
after all.
Instant Rating: 7 out of 10
Phish – Fuego
Another legacy band. Chances are
pretty decent that you have at least heard of Phish and that you
already have made up your mind about them. Maybe you think they're
just a jam band, one to see live after you've smoked enough weed to
alter the local weather patterns, but that their studio records suck.
Certainly many, many Phish-heads would agree with such a statement.
But I submit to you that that concept is only half right.
In truth, Phish is two bands, the live
jam band where no two shows are alike, and the studio recording band,
that has now recorded 12 full LP's. For me, it's a little too soon
to say just how good this album is, but it is damn solid! I really
thought that Trey and the boys had a major misstep with The Round
Room but rebounded a bit with Undermind. 2009's Joy never really
caught my attention, either. But Fuego feels a bit more solid. It's not a return to form, as it sounds
nothing like the early proggy records, nor the funky Story of the
Ghost or even Farmhouse. I'm not even sure I would call it catchy,
but every time one of the tracks comes around I find I am just
enjoying the experience of listening to it.
I once said that it was impossible to
listen to Phish music for more than 20 minutes and not be in a
better mood. And I think I will stand by that statement for Fuego.
There's nothing deep being said, lyrically or even musically, other
than the expression of the joy of playing music. And really, that's all one
ever needs.
Instant Raiting: 7 out of 10. This is
subject to change (as are all of my ratings) as I absorb it more as a
unit and not as separate tracks.
Pat Mastelotto & Tobias Ralph –
To Pa Ra Ma
Before I say anything else, I just want
to say that the music on this album is AMAZING!
There, that said, you are probably
asking yourself, who the fuck are Mastelotto and Ralph? Well, to
star with, they are both drummers. Mastelotto has simply played with
everbody, including Patti LaBelle, Al Jarreau, XTC, Hall & Oats and
Robyn Hitchcock. He was the drummer of Mr Mister, but don't that
against him. He first came to my attention when he joined King
Crimson in 94. As far as Ralph goes, I have no idea who he is, as
Wikipedia doesn't even have a page for him, and the To Pa Ra Ma page
just says he is a member of Adrian Belew's band.
Now that we got our introductions out
of the way, how is the music? I'm surprised you asked that, cause I
already told you its AMAZING. That said, it really won't be for
everybody. It is certainly percussion heavy, as you should expect
from two drummers. But is isn't really a show off piece. Other
instruments are used as well, and the over all effect is that of a
Jazz album, but only in the sense that Medeski Martin and Wood put
out Jazz albums. It's a combination of electronic sounds and samples
and acoustic instruments. In fact, a lot of the sounds that you
might think were electronic drums are probably acoustic.
Bottom line is, if you like your music
to be catchy with a “hook”, actual verses and choruses, and
lyrics you can sing along with, then this probably isn't for you.
But, if you like MUSIC, maybe something a bit on the avant garde side
of things, then this just might be for you.
Instant Rating: 8.5 out of 10
The Strypes – Snapshot
However, if catchy hooks, verses and
choruses, and sing along lyrics are your thing after all, this is the
damn album for YOU! The Strypes are four kids (lads?) from Ireland.
Somewhere along the line, they raided their grandparent's record
collection and wardrobe and decided to start a band. They are retro
almost to the point of feeling contrived. But thankfully, it
actually feels like they really understand the original British
invasion bands and what made them so effing terrific.
I just love the garage band blues
inflected music of 65-68 from both sides of the pond. I think that
was the height of the innocence of Rock and Roll, before things got so heavy and serious. (mind you, I also love that heaviness and seriousness, too) Rock was just
maturing enough to have some teeth, but still young enough to be
exuberant and playful. This is the exact era that The Strypes are
trying to emulate, and they do it damn well.
The music on Snapshot is mostly
originals, but I think they would have climbed up the charts in 66.
Today, I'm afraid, they are a curiosity at best. The oldest member
of the band will turn 20 this year, so they are cute kids playing at
being mods or rockers right now. If they were 10 years older nobody
would have paid the least bit of attention to them. (I can think of
at least two local bands in the last ten years that would prove that
point.) But what they are doing is real, not just imitation and
nostalgia. They have gone to the past to capture the raw energy of
youth that is sadly missing from much of today's music. All the
modern acts feel so serious and humorless next to these young men
that are just out there seemingly having a damn good time.
Instant Rating: 7 out of 10
Okay, four seems like enough for now.
I just looked at my 2014 playlist, and we are not quite half way
through it so far. I think I will do two more post with 5 reviews
each in them, and that should wind it all up. Thanks again for
reading, and please leave a comment.
Also, if you are from outside the USA,
I especially invite you to comment. My trackers say that I have at
least one reader in Canada (Brent?), Ireland, the UK, Belgium
(Derek?) and maybe even some from Eastern Europe and Russia. So, if
you are from there, or any other nation, just drop a quick note
simply saying where you are reading from (or more, if you want to).
And if you have some great music from the past few years that isn't
known to most people, share that too.
Ciao for now!
A bonus tune from the Strypes covering Rollin and Tumblin.
Welcome dear faithful readers, and all
newcomers! Thankfully, today we take a break from the depressing and
terribly personal stuff to talk about something truly important. No,
not politics, religion, nor even science. I'm talking about the
really important stuff, Music.
In truth, this blog is coming several
weeks too late. Other things just kept getting in the way. But at
least its not a four year gap, like the last one! This is just part
one, btw. What I'm going to do is just briefly review all the albums
that I felt good enough about to save to my Spotify 2014 playlist.
That means that most of the records will get a positive review, but
not all of them!
So, without further ado (which is think
is Latin for “bullshit”) here are the first four albums on my
list.
Purson – The Circle and the Blue Door
Well, I goofed on this band. This was
some of my favorite music from 1014. That is, until just a few
seconds ago when I found out I was wrong, and it actually came out in
2013. Oh, well, it's still damn good. Lead by veteran British
rocker Rosalie
Cunningham, they are a good blend of modern psychedelica and
straight ahead rock. Their Facebook page says they are Big Psych,
Facemelter, and Fuzz Wowowpopsong. Stand-out tracks include The
Contract, Leaning on a Bear and Spiderwood Farm. In fact, the
latter is just and instant classic, and will be in my playlist for
years to come.
The song arrangements are often quite
inventive, and the pacing and moods one the album are properly
varied. All the players are at the least competent, and as a band
they are quite tight at times. Still, it feels very organic and not
forced at all. I would happily go see this band if I ever get the
chance.
Instant Album Rating: 8.75 out of 10
The Golden Grass – The Golden Grass
According to their Facebook page, The
Golden Grass plays a “soulful mix of heavy-country-funk-boogie and
progressive-psychedelic-freakbeat,” but if you just want to call
them a Stoner Band, that's fine by me. The album opens with “Please
Man” which is an early 70's soaked hard rocker. And that is pretty much what you get for the rest of the record. Even the vocalist,
Professor Plum Brandy, sounds right out of 1971. Brandy also plays
electric guitar in this power trio, with The Golden Goose on drums
and Heat Lightning on bass.
Yes, they are from Brooklyn.
The album itself is also very old
school. Only five songs, clocking in around 36 minutes. So, its
borderline as to whether its an LP or an EP. Most of the songs are
pretty standard retro-rock, but really well done. If I walked into a
bar one night and heard these guys playing I would be very, very
pleased.
Instant Album Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Radio Moscow – Magical Dirt
Damn, I am so of two minds with this
album. I first heard of Radio Moscow back in 07 or 08 when they
released their self titled debut. I lost track of them until this
one, and on first listen, I was just blown away! They call
themselves Psychedelic Blues, and that's about right. Again, Stoner
Rock works just as well. (Psychedelic and Stoner Rock seem to be a
big thing right now.) But whatever label you put on them, they just
fuckin' rock! The drums are crisp and frantic, reminding me a lot of
Mitch Mitchel, but maybe even faster. In fact, the theme of this
whole record is old school power trio rock played at blinding speed,
best listened whilst driving way too fast.
Hailing from Iowa, Radio Mosco is
singer/guitarist Parker Griggs and whoever he can get to stay with
him long enough on bass and drums to be called a member. Seriously,
it seems each album and tour there is an entirely different line up.
Either Griggs is a major asshole or he doesn't pay very well I would
guess.
Stand out tracks are just about any of
them. The arrangements are tight, complex and just fun. The guitars
are fuzzed out, overdubbed to the breaking point, and panned to the
left or right just like the old days. The only problem I have, and
it is sometimes a big one, is with the vocals. They just don't cut
it for me. Griggs has less range than George Thorogood and is
slightly less pleasing to the ear. But if you can get passed that,
it is a an amazing album, just not as amazing as I first thought it
was.
Instant Album Rating: 8 out of 10
during the instrumental sections, 5 out 10 with vocals.
Black Moth – Condemned to Hope
While generally part of the new Stoner
Rock scene, they have a bit more of a metal feel to them,
particularly early Sabbath era Metal. Two things jump out at you
when you check out this band: first, they have a female vocalist.
Like Purson and other bands I found this year, it really works well
for them. I can't imagine why it took so long for good rock music to
discover the female lead. Heart did it well, and Janis should have
showed everybody that a lady can rock as good as any guy. But it's
still rare to hear.
The second thing that stands out is
that the cover was painted by Roger Dean, legendary artist of many
Yes and Asia covers.
The Leeds band shows a great
understanding of the riff and its fundamental importance to fuzzed
out Metal Rock. They feel heavy and lumbering, like three in the
morning feels when you're just leaving the bar. But, like some metal
(or indeed staggering drunks) there are a few missteps. The lyrics
on “The Undead King of Rock 'N' Roll” are as cheesy as you would
expect from the title, and the delivery of the vocals is equally
iffy. But this is really picking nits, as for the most part
Condemned to Hope is a solid album, yet another pleasant surprise in
my search for new music.
Instant Album Rating: 7 out of 10
That's it for today. There is plenty more great music from the last year to cover yet, enough for 3 or 4 more posts like this! And I promise that not all of it is Stoner Rock, but yes, some of it will be. There is also some Progish stuff (of course), some weird(er) stuff, and maybe a surprise or two. Please come back, and please comment.
Really, the cover art is the worst thing about this album.
I've been talking a lot about my
experiences with cyclothymia lately. That hasn't been my intent,
but if you remember my post about the mania part of bi-polarism,
there is (at least for me) some amount of obsessioning that goes on.
(If Bill Shakespeare could just make up words to suit his needs, then
I can too, dammit!) In fact, I had intended to write a whole series
of music reviews of albums that came out in 2014. I even have
extensive notes on one of them. But since I have the notes, I don't
have to worry about forgetting what I wanted to say, and thus it can
wait. The ideas for these more personal blogs seem more pressing,
and also possibly fleeting, so here we are.
As is often the case, the idea or
inspiration for how to say what I have to say came to me from a song.
In this case, it is Limb by Limb by Phish. It's off their 1998
album The Story Of The Ghost. Most Phish fans will say all their
studio works pale in comparison to the live jams, and of their studio
albums, this is among the least liked. So, of course, it is my
favorite of theirs. Not only that, taken as a whole artistic unit,
it is probably my favorite album released between 1974 and 2002. (It
was a rather low period for the album in those years, IMHO).
Anyway, the track Limb by Limb has many
bits that I find exceptionally relatable, but I'm going to
concentrate just on the chorus here. It reads:
Drop me off the Chinese Wall
And peel my fingers off the rim
I come unglued while in mid-air
And land to reform limb by limb
I think this describes exactly how what
I have been going through in just four lines. Two lines, really.
Maybe you can even boil it down to two words, unglued and reform.
The functional part, though, the part that really helps to understand
the process, is Limb by Limb. One step at a time is how you do it.
Sometimes very, very small steps.
I've learned some important lessons
recently. Part of what I've learned is that all those busy body
know-it-all optimists that tell you to “just do it” are right.
Sort of. What they are missing, at least for me, is specific
instructions. That is what this post is in the end all about.
If you are anything like me, when you
are in a depression, it is no exaggeration to say that EVERYTHING
looks impossible. Nothing seems worth doing, nothing seems like it
could possibly do any good, and most of it even seems undoable. What
you are fighting the most is yourself and the excrement covered
spectacles that you are seeing your life through. How can this
attitude be changed?
I am living proof that it can change
(at least in the short term. I'm sure I have a lot of work ahead of
me to maintain it in the long term). However, I am not a writer of
self help schlock, nor to I buy into hardly any of it at all. What I
am about to reveal is what worked for me. I suspect it will work for
many others, too, but who knows? I also know that I can't even begin
to give you the whole story, that it is much much harder to get
started than it appears to be here, and that everybody knows that
Round Room is obviously the worst Phish album, period.
Really, the cover art is the best thing about this album.
Here was my situation. My depression
had contributed to me loosing yet another job, and I was living on
the edge anyway. I had just recently learned that I had had a heart
attack sometime in the past. This would explain why I had no stamina
at all and would lose my breath after just a few seconds exertion. I
had no self esteem nor confidence. I wasn't quite a hermit, but I
was definitely pre-agoriphobic. I felt no sense of place or purpose.
I hadn't created hardly anything in years, and worse yet had no
ideas at all about how to fix any of it.
I essence, I only had to rebuild three
things from scratch: my body, my mind, and my for lack of a better
word, soul. To say the least, it was an overwhelming transformation
I saw before me. That was in October. Today, less than 3 months
later, things look much different. I have not fixed everything yet
to be sure, but now it doesn't seem so daunting. I have made much
progress.
For my body, I have lost 20 lbs and a
few inches (!) round my belly. I can now exercise for about an hour
with gym equipment, and I can lift some weights. On New Years Eve, I
was able to dance for about 20 minutes, and could have gone on longer
if the band hadn't quit. So, big improvements!
My mind: I have written several blog
posts in the last month, and created three videos as part of an
experiment in teaching myself video editing. I have even come up
with a five year plan on how to start my own business. A lot has to
happen first, but for the first time in my life I have an answer to
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
My “Soul”. I feel great. I have
the confidence to imagine my business. I feel like I could be
successful once I land a job. But beyond that, I am building an idea
of who I am and where I fit.
Now, for the actual advice. How did I
do any of this? One step at a time, limb by limb.
My first piece of advice is to
recognize what you have done.
Don't so much look at all the shit you haven't done. You know what
you haven't done. But what you may be missing, what I was, is the
acknowledgment of what you did you. Look, if you wash you dishes, or
organize a book shelf, or give your shoulder to a friend in distress,
then tell yourself so. Acknowledge that you did it, and give
yourself a moment to enjoy that fact.
In
order to maximize the likelihood of this acknowledgment, start
keeping a list of things
you want to do. Keep it simple at first, don't write down big long
term goals like “lose 100 pounds” or “get a 50K job”. No,
make it just a list for tomorrow, and make it concrete, things that
YOU have to DO. Like, for example, make breakfast and take your
pills. Those are the first things on my list every day. Then put
what you actually want to do tomorrow, such as clean bedroom, do
laundry, apply for three jobs, go to the store, whatever. The very
last thing on your list should be to write the next day's list.
The
beauty of the list is that it helps you to stay on track, but most
importantly, it lets you cross things off. Every time you do cross
something off is a chance for you to say, I did that! Great! Pat
yourself on the back!
One
of the hard things about this is that it seems too small to matter,
and even if it did matter, it can be almost impossible to know what
exactly to do. In essence, major depression totally messes with your
ability to make decisions. If this describes you, my best bit of
advice is to find ways to take the decisions out of your hands. Find
deciders for you, and just do what they tell you to do for a bit.
There
were a few times that I let this happen, and it has always been to my
benefit recently. Because somebody told me to ask about my heart at
a doctor's visit, I found out about my heart attack. My best choice
then was to insist to my cardiologist that he get me into a rehab
program, because I knew if left to my own devices I would never get
off my ass. I also knew that if I had an appointment when I just had
to be there, I could do that. Once in the rehab gym, all I had to do
was follow directions.
Another
time was when I was about to become homeless. Maybe I could go live
with mother, maybe my grandmother, maybe my father. I really
couldn't care any less at the time. I was at bottom, and had no
higher cognitive abilities at all. I just told my mom to deal with
it. I eventually was told that I would stay with my dad, and that
there would be “rules”. Rather than be put off by the
revelation, I was relieved. I knew that I could benefit from
structure and supervision. I now keep things around me cleaner. I
am doing laundry more often, and all my clothes get properly put
away. I clean the bathrooms every week. I clean up in the kitchen
right away, and a bunch of other things. I'm doing all these
things because my dad wants them done, but I know that they are
habits that will serve me well in the future.
After
a week or two in his house, something occurred to me, and it struck
me like a bolt. It was so profound that I printed it up in bold
large font letters and hung it over my monitor, so I see it all the
time. It is one of the best lessons I ever figured out on my own.
The sign simply says this: Some things you have to care
about simply because others care about them.
One
of the best things my dad has done for me is to put me in charge of
his e-Bay project. He inherited a few dozen never worn wrist watches
and some other things two years ago. He hasn't had the time to sell
them on e-Bay, and asked me to look into it. This project has
allowed me to use writing skills, photography, and organization.
It's also given me a lot to cross off of to do lists.
The
last example of just following orders I want to mention is that real
early on in this process, a friend of mine got real frustrated with
my attitude. She told me to tell her every day three things that I
did that day for myself. I forgot about it right away, of course,
but she asked me the next day. After that, I was forced to think
about things I had done each and every day for about two weeks. That
was the start of the first step I mentioned way back up there. All
these things happened because I was smart enough to see that for a
time at least, I was much better off listening to other people's
commands rather than my own.
My
last bit of advice is to seek professional help. I really don't know
how much of my recent improvement is from the exercise, from the
doing of things, or from the anti-depressants I'm on. I'm sure each
of those things have had some impact, so I can't discount the drugs
at all. Be careful about what you let them put you on. Or, at
least, monitor exactly what effects the drugs seem to be having, and
if they are bad, then let somebody know! But that's later. First,
make the call. If you have a doctor, get an appointment. If you
don't, or you have no insurance, call the crisis center in your town
and get into the system.
So,
in summary, do things no matter how small. The best small thing is
to make a list. Next, cross things off that list and KNOW
that you have done something. And if you can't decide what exactly
to do, find somebody that you trust and do whatever they tell you to
do. After a bit, and in less time than you think, you will have come
farther than you thought you could. While the journey is long, it
probably won't seem as daunting. You will get better, step by step
and you will reform, limb by limb.
