Give a Shit

Recently, I read a post by Mark Manson called The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.  In it, he argues that fucks should be conserved and not given over especially trivial things. Fucks are valuable, and should only be given to things that are truly worthy of being given a fuck over. Essentially, he is saying “don't sweat the small stuff.” I urge you to read his piece, even though it makes my writing look very amateurish next to it, but I don't give a fuck.

And while I think he is right, to get ahead and make something of yourself, you have to let go and just not give a fuck. But you SHOULD give a SHIT. While fucks are precious and limited, shits are filthy and should be given, expelled even.

Not giving a fuck means plowing through the hard times, putting your shoulder to the grindstone (whatever) and just getting on with it. I guess the Brits would say “Carry on” right after advising to “Keep Calm”, but they always were more civilized than we 'Mericans.

Not giving a shit, though, means you have just given up. “I just don't give a shit” is what you say when you DON'T do something you should: The snow is piling up on your side walk, the grass is 10 inches tall, you haven't opened your mail in three months, etc. You don't do these things because you just don't give a shit anymore.

I can't remember when I first started not giving a shit. Certainly, there were certain things at a very young age I just didn't give a fuck about, such as the kids reaction to my proclivity for tweed caps in jr high. But at the same time I didn't give a shit about my things, and would often mistreat them through negligence. It just wasn't important to me to whether or not my Star Wars action figures were in pristine condition 20 years in the future when they would be worth something. To me, they were worth something then, when I played with them and enjoyed the hell out of them. I didn't give a shit about books. Books were to be read, spines were to be broken. Because of that, I never got nice hard cover books. But I sure as hell tried to keep my records in pretty good shape, mostly I guess because otherwise they would be unplayable.

Certainly, as I grew older, I started giving a shit much more often. I would pay attention to things like getting the part in my hair just the way I liked it. I started taking pride in how well my yard looked after I mowed it. When I first bought my house, I tried to keep it neat and organized. 

My niece complains about my "walls of text", so lets

take a moment and enjoy this quality product advertisement. 

 

 

But, as you know if you have been a long time reader (okay, long time being 6 weeks or so)  of Missives and Mischief, I have had some issues with mood disorders. Mostly mine, but other peoples' too, from time to time. The worst of it happened after I first sought help, though. I was put on meds designed to “stabilize” my mood, not on anti-depressants. They were afraid to prescribe those, as it might push me into a manic phase. Many bi-polars that quit taking their meds do so because they miss the manias. But stabilize me they did. I didn't feel depressed, and I was so relieved to not feel depressed that for a very long time I didn't realize that I didn't feel anything.

Over time, I became apathetic about almost everything. I just didn't give a shit anymore. I didn't give a shit about my yard. I didn't give a shit about my house. Nor my dishes. Nor whether or not I took a shower or had particularly clean clothes. I stopped writing my blog, sure, but I also stopped writing rants and raves on Facebook. I stopped posting at all, or even checking it. That doesn't sound so bad, until you realized that was my biggest social outlet.

I stopped giving a shit about my girlfriend.

That one I really didn't notice. I failed to notice it so much that I argued with her that I was improving and doing better. But really, I just didn't give a shit. When she left I acted pissed a bit more than I was, cause you're supposed to. I wasn't even that pissed when she stared dating one of my best friends. I was hurt, I felt betrayed, but I wasn't exactly pissed. However, it did depress me even more, even if the drugs didn't let me feel it.

I so much didn't give a shit that I didn't check my mail for months, and missed an appointment. I didn't see the letter saying I had to contact them by a certain date or I would be dropped from the program until the day after the deadline. That I really didn't give a shit about. When I ran out of meds, I just stopped taking them.

Again, my niece doesn't like so much text.  Kids these days, amiright?  

Some things changed a bit after that. One day I noticed that something sad and moving on the TV actually moved me, just a bit. On another day, I noticed I was actually happy for like five minutes. Slowly, my moods were returning. But I still didn't give a shit about anything that I should have.

Last spring I finally started to come out of it a bit. I started to engage with friends, and found some purpose in just being there for others, to be a support in my own humble way. I even discovered I had acquired some wisdom, but I'm not sure how the hell that happened. I wasn't recovering enough to save my house from the bank or anything, but maybe a new start in a new place would be the ticket.

To some degree it was, but not enough. I was still on auto-pilot for many things. The depression came back big time, and I knew I had hit bottom. There simply was no other place to go.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, I have sought help again. I am on anti-depressants, I am exercising, I am looking for work (and have found part time work) and I am taking better care of myself.

I tell you, dear reader, all of this for one reason only. Its not for you to feel sorry for me in anyway. Its so that you understand where I'm coming from, and that I know of what I speak. I am telling you all of this in case you are going through something remotely like what I am, so that you know you are not the only one, and that there is hope for a change for the better. (okay, that's more than one reason, but I don't give a fuck)

It is not only important to give shits, it is vital! If you keep all your shits, you will be full of shit and a complete shithead, and eventually you will be a piece of shit.  

Give a shit about yourself. Give a shit about what you put into your body and in your mind. Give a shit how you treat your body and your mind. Give a shit about the people you spend time with, not only about the way you treat them, but the way they treat you. Give a shit about your environment, how you treat it and how it treats you.*

When you give all these shits, you will feel much, much better. Just remember to wipe!

 The Beatles need no reason.

As usual, please leave comments below.  Once again, I seem to have at least some occasional readers in the UK, Ireland, and other ports of call in Europe.  So, where ever you are, I'm curious who's actually reading this stuff.  If just bots, so be it, but if actual sentient beings are reading it, just drop a one word (or more) comment about where you hang your hat. 

*I'm not talking about the hippy tree hugging sense of environment, although you should give a shit about that tool. I'm talking about your personal environment, your home, your work station, your car, whatever. You figure out the details.

Son of 2014 Year in Music (Part 2)

As promised, more 2014 music. In case you missed Part I, this is just a quick look at the music I found last year that I at one point or another liked enough to save to my Spotify 2014 playlist. So naturally, most of it I will give positive reviews, but not all of them.

Disclaimer: My listening habits have really changed with older age and newer technology. Instead of absorbing most albums as a hole unit, most of my listening has been collecting large amount of music together and hitting random. This is especially true since circumstances have dictated that I just haven't been able to buy music like I used to, thus the Spotify account.  This means that I haven't really had a chance to absorb most of these albums as albums. I am going back to them as I write these blurbs, thus the idea of the "Instant Rating".

Jack White – Lazaretto

Really, what can I possibly say to make you check this out if you haven't already? I'm a HUGE Jack White fan, and have found that nearly every album he's been a creative part of is better than the last. I have no idea if I'm in the minority or not with that opinion. I'm just aware of the celebrity scene enough to know that Jack has made a bit of a name for himself, and if you were interested you would already have given it a spin.

That said, I'm really enjoying his solo work. I feel that Mr White is maturing as a musician as I'm maturing as a person. He has always showed a deep love and understanding of Rock music, and it's older cousin, the Blues. But now, with just his name on the cover, he seems to feel more free to explore the nooks and crannies of Pop/Rock. There is no real “concept” behind the project, where as the White Stripes, the Raconteurs, and the Dead Weather all seemed to be about specific musical identities. As a solo artist, he is free to hire different musicians for different musical topographies, so his albums sound just a bit less coherent, but also a bit more adventurous.

There really isn't a single song on Lazaretto to sum up the entire thing, but the video for the instrumental High Ball Stepper is kick ass, so enjoy some eye candy and a pretty solid song as well. And then if you're not already a fan, go and listen to the rest of the album in the back ground a few times over the next month or so, and see if maybe you like Jack White after all.

Instant Rating: 7 out of 10

Phish – Fuego

Another legacy band. Chances are pretty decent that you have at least heard of Phish and that you already have made up your mind about them. Maybe you think they're just a jam band, one to see live after you've smoked enough weed to alter the local weather patterns, but that their studio records suck. Certainly many, many Phish-heads would agree with such a statement. But I submit to you that that concept is only half right.

In truth, Phish is two bands, the live jam band where no two shows are alike, and the studio recording band, that has now recorded 12 full LP's. For me, it's a little too soon to say just how good this album is, but it is damn solid! I really thought that Trey and the boys had a major misstep with The Round Room but rebounded a bit with Undermind. 2009's Joy never really caught my attention, either. But Fuego feels a bit more solid. It's not a return to form, as it sounds nothing like the early proggy records, nor the funky Story of the Ghost or even Farmhouse. I'm not even sure I would call it catchy, but every time one of the tracks comes around I find I am just enjoying the experience of listening to it.

I once said that it was impossible to listen to Phish music for more than 20 minutes and not be in a better mood. And I think I will stand by that statement for Fuego. There's nothing deep being said, lyrically or even musically, other than the expression of the joy of playing music. And really, that's all one ever needs.

Instant Raiting: 7 out of 10. This is subject to change (as are all of my ratings) as I absorb it more as a unit and not as separate tracks.

Pat Mastelotto & Tobias Ralph – To Pa Ra Ma

Before I say anything else, I just want to say that the music on this album is AMAZING!

There, that said, you are probably asking yourself, who the fuck are Mastelotto and Ralph? Well, to star with, they are both drummers. Mastelotto has simply played with everbody, including Patti LaBelle, Al Jarreau, XTC, Hall & Oats and Robyn Hitchcock. He was the drummer of Mr Mister, but don't that against him. He first came to my attention when he joined King Crimson in 94. As far as Ralph goes, I have no idea who he is, as Wikipedia doesn't even have a page for him, and the To Pa Ra Ma page just says he is a member of Adrian Belew's band.

Now that we got our introductions out of the way, how is the music? I'm surprised you asked that, cause I already told you its AMAZING. That said, it really won't be for everybody. It is certainly percussion heavy, as you should expect from two drummers. But is isn't really a show off piece. Other instruments are used as well, and the over all effect is that of a Jazz album, but only in the sense that Medeski Martin and Wood put out Jazz albums. It's a combination of electronic sounds and samples and acoustic instruments. In fact, a lot of the sounds that you might think were electronic drums are probably acoustic.

Bottom line is, if you like your music to be catchy with a “hook”, actual verses and choruses, and lyrics you can sing along with, then this probably isn't for you. But, if you like MUSIC, maybe something a bit on the avant garde side of things, then this just might be for you.

Instant Rating: 8.5 out of 10

The Strypes – Snapshot

However, if catchy hooks, verses and choruses, and sing along lyrics are your thing after all, this is the damn album for YOU! The Strypes are four kids (lads?) from Ireland. Somewhere along the line, they raided their grandparent's record collection and wardrobe and decided to start a band. They are retro almost to the point of feeling contrived. But thankfully, it actually feels like they really understand the original British invasion bands and what made them so effing terrific.

I just love the garage band blues inflected music of 65-68 from both sides of the pond. I think that was the height of the innocence of Rock and Roll, before things got so heavy and serious.  (mind you, I also love that heaviness and seriousness, too) Rock was just maturing enough to have some teeth, but still young enough to be exuberant and playful. This is the exact era that The Strypes are trying to emulate, and they do it damn well.

The music on Snapshot is mostly originals, but I think they would have climbed up the charts in 66. Today, I'm afraid, they are a curiosity at best. The oldest member of the band will turn 20 this year, so they are cute kids playing at being mods or rockers right now. If they were 10 years older nobody would have paid the least bit of attention to them. (I can think of at least two local bands in the last ten years that would prove that point.) But what they are doing is real, not just imitation and nostalgia. They have gone to the past to capture the raw energy of youth that is sadly missing from much of today's music. All the modern acts feel so serious and humorless next to these young men that are just out there seemingly having a damn good time.

Instant Rating: 7 out of 10

Okay, four seems like enough for now. I just looked at my 2014 playlist, and we are not quite half way through it so far. I think I will do two more post with 5 reviews each in them, and that should wind it all up. Thanks again for reading, and please leave a comment.

Also, if you are from outside the USA, I especially invite you to comment. My trackers say that I have at least one reader in Canada (Brent?), Ireland, the UK, Belgium (Derek?) and maybe even some from Eastern Europe and Russia. So, if you are from there, or any other nation, just drop a quick note simply saying where you are reading from (or more, if you want to). And if you have some great music from the past few years that isn't known to most people, share that too.

Ciao for now!

 A bonus tune from the Strypes covering Rollin and Tumblin. 

2014 In Music -- Part 1

Welcome dear faithful readers, and all newcomers! Thankfully, today we take a break from the depressing and terribly personal stuff to talk about something truly important. No, not politics, religion, nor even science. I'm talking about the really important stuff, Music.

In truth, this blog is coming several weeks too late. Other things just kept getting in the way. But at least its not a four year gap, like the last one! This is just part one, btw. What I'm going to do is just briefly review all the albums that I felt good enough about to save to my Spotify 2014 playlist. That means that most of the records will get a positive review, but not all of them!

 

So, without further ado (which is think is Latin for “bullshit”) here are the first four albums on my list. 

Purson – The Circle and the Blue Door

Well, I goofed on this band. This was some of my favorite music from 1014. That is, until just a few seconds ago when I found out I was wrong, and it actually came out in 2013. Oh, well, it's still damn good. Lead by veteran British rocker Rosalie Cunningham, they are a good blend of modern psychedelica and straight ahead rock. Their Facebook page says they are Big Psych, Facemelter, and Fuzz Wowowpopsong. Stand-out tracks include The Contract, Leaning on a Bear and Spiderwood Farm. In fact, the latter is just and instant classic, and will be in my playlist for years to come. 

The song arrangements are often quite inventive, and the pacing and moods one the album are properly varied. All the players are at the least competent, and as a band they are quite tight at times. Still, it feels very organic and not forced at all. I would happily go see this band if I ever get the chance.

Instant Album Rating: 8.75 out of 10

The Golden Grass – The Golden Grass

According to their Facebook page, The Golden Grass plays a “soulful mix of heavy-country-funk-boogie and progressive-psychedelic-freakbeat,” but if you just want to call them a Stoner Band, that's fine by me. The album opens with “Please Man” which is an early 70's soaked hard rocker. And that is pretty much what you get for the rest of the record. Even the vocalist, Professor Plum Brandy, sounds right out of 1971. Brandy also plays electric guitar in this power trio, with The Golden Goose on drums and Heat Lightning on bass.

Yes, they are from Brooklyn.

The album itself is also very old school. Only five songs, clocking in around 36 minutes. So, its borderline as to whether its an LP or an EP. Most of the songs are pretty standard retro-rock, but really well done. If I walked into a bar one night and heard these guys playing I would be very, very pleased.

Instant Album Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Radio Moscow – Magical Dirt

Damn, I am so of two minds with this album. I first heard of Radio Moscow back in 07 or 08 when they released their self titled debut. I lost track of them until this one, and on first listen, I was just blown away! They call themselves Psychedelic Blues, and that's about right. Again, Stoner Rock works just as well. (Psychedelic and Stoner Rock seem to be a big thing right now.) But whatever label you put on them, they just fuckin' rock! The drums are crisp and frantic, reminding me a lot of Mitch Mitchel, but maybe even faster. In fact, the theme of this whole record is old school power trio rock played at blinding speed, best listened whilst driving way too fast. 

Hailing from Iowa, Radio Mosco is singer/guitarist Parker Griggs and whoever he can get to stay with him long enough on bass and drums to be called a member. Seriously, it seems each album and tour there is an entirely different line up. Either Griggs is a major asshole or he doesn't pay very well I would guess.

Stand out tracks are just about any of them. The arrangements are tight, complex and just fun. The guitars are fuzzed out, overdubbed to the breaking point, and panned to the left or right just like the old days. The only problem I have, and it is sometimes a big one, is with the vocals. They just don't cut it for me. Griggs has less range than George Thorogood and is slightly less pleasing to the ear. But if you can get passed that, it is a an amazing album, just not as amazing as I first thought it was.

Instant Album Rating: 8 out of 10 during the instrumental sections, 5 out 10 with vocals.

Black Moth – Condemned to Hope

While generally part of the new Stoner Rock scene, they have a bit more of a metal feel to them, particularly early Sabbath era Metal. Two things jump out at you when you check out this band: first, they have a female vocalist. Like Purson and other bands I found this year, it really works well for them. I can't imagine why it took so long for good rock music to discover the female lead. Heart did it well, and Janis should have showed everybody that a lady can rock as good as any guy. But it's still rare to hear.

The second thing that stands out is that the cover was painted by Roger Dean, legendary artist of many Yes and Asia covers.

The Leeds band shows a great understanding of the riff and its fundamental importance to fuzzed out Metal Rock. They feel heavy and lumbering, like three in the morning feels when you're just leaving the bar. But, like some metal (or indeed staggering drunks) there are a few missteps. The lyrics on “The Undead King of Rock 'N' Roll” are as cheesy as you would expect from the title, and the delivery of the vocals is equally iffy. But this is really picking nits, as for the most part Condemned to Hope is a solid album, yet another pleasant surprise in my search for new music.

Instant Album Rating: 7 out of 10

That's it for today.  There is plenty more great music from the last year to cover yet, enough for 3 or 4 more posts like this!  And I promise that not all of it is Stoner Rock, but yes, some of it will be.  There is also some Progish stuff (of course), some weird(er) stuff, and maybe a surprise or two.  Please come back, and please comment.  

Limb by Limb

Really, the cover art is the worst thing about this album. 

I've been talking a lot about my experiences with cyclothymia lately. That hasn't been my intent, but if you remember my post about the mania part of bi-polarism, there is (at least for me) some amount of obsessioning that goes on. (If Bill Shakespeare could just make up words to suit his needs, then I can too, dammit!) In fact, I had intended to write a whole series of music reviews of albums that came out in 2014. I even have extensive notes on one of them. But since I have the notes, I don't have to worry about forgetting what I wanted to say, and thus it can wait. The ideas for these more personal blogs seem more pressing, and also possibly fleeting, so here we are.

As is often the case, the idea or inspiration for how to say what I have to say came to me from a song. In this case, it is Limb by Limb by Phish. It's off their 1998 album The Story Of The Ghost. Most Phish fans will say all their studio works pale in comparison to the live jams, and of their studio albums, this is among the least liked. So, of course, it is my favorite of theirs. Not only that, taken as a whole artistic unit, it is probably my favorite album released between 1974 and 2002. (It was a rather low period for the album in those years, IMHO).

Anyway, the track Limb by Limb has many bits that I find exceptionally relatable, but I'm going to concentrate just on the chorus here. It reads:

Drop me off the Chinese Wall

And peel my fingers off the rim

I come unglued while in mid-air

And land to reform limb by limb

I think this describes exactly how what I have been going through in just four lines. Two lines, really. Maybe you can even boil it down to two words, unglued and reform. The functional part, though, the part that really helps to understand the process, is Limb by Limb. One step at a time is how you do it. Sometimes very, very small steps.

I've learned some important lessons recently. Part of what I've learned is that all those busy body know-it-all optimists that tell you to “just do it” are right. Sort of. What they are missing, at least for me, is specific instructions. That is what this post is in the end all about.

If you are anything like me, when you are in a depression, it is no exaggeration to say that EVERYTHING looks impossible. Nothing seems worth doing, nothing seems like it could possibly do any good, and most of it even seems undoable. What you are fighting the most is yourself and the excrement covered spectacles that you are seeing your life through. How can this attitude be changed?

I am living proof that it can change (at least in the short term. I'm sure I have a lot of work ahead of me to maintain it in the long term). However, I am not a writer of self help schlock, nor to I buy into hardly any of it at all. What I am about to reveal is what worked for me. I suspect it will work for many others, too, but who knows? I also know that I can't even begin to give you the whole story, that it is much much harder to get started than it appears to be here, and that everybody knows that Round Room is obviously the worst Phish album, period.

Really, the cover art is the best thing about this album. 

Here was my situation. My depression had contributed to me loosing yet another job, and I was living on the edge anyway. I had just recently learned that I had had a heart attack sometime in the past. This would explain why I had no stamina at all and would lose my breath after just a few seconds exertion. I had no self esteem nor confidence. I wasn't quite a hermit, but I was definitely pre-agoriphobic. I felt no sense of place or purpose. I hadn't created hardly anything in years, and worse yet had no ideas at all about how to fix any of it.

I essence, I only had to rebuild three things from scratch: my body, my mind, and my for lack of a better word, soul. To say the least, it was an overwhelming transformation I saw before me. That was in October. Today, less than 3 months later, things look much different. I have not fixed everything yet to be sure, but now it doesn't seem so daunting. I have made much progress.

For my body, I have lost 20 lbs and a few inches (!) round my belly. I can now exercise for about an hour with gym equipment, and I can lift some weights. On New Years Eve, I was able to dance for about 20 minutes, and could have gone on longer if the band hadn't quit. So, big improvements!

My mind: I have written several blog posts in the last month, and created three videos as part of an experiment in teaching myself video editing. I have even come up with a five year plan on how to start my own business. A lot has to happen first, but for the first time in my life I have an answer to “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

My “Soul”. I feel great. I have the confidence to imagine my business. I feel like I could be successful once I land a job. But beyond that, I am building an idea of who I am and where I fit.

Now, for the actual advice. How did I do any of this? One step at a time, limb by limb.

My first piece of advice is to recognize what you have done. Don't so much look at all the shit you haven't done. You know what you haven't done. But what you may be missing, what I was, is the acknowledgment of what you did you. Look, if you wash you dishes, or organize a book shelf, or give your shoulder to a friend in distress, then tell yourself so. Acknowledge that you did it, and give yourself a moment to enjoy that fact.

In order to maximize the likelihood of this acknowledgment, start keeping a list of things you want to do. Keep it simple at first, don't write down big long term goals like “lose 100 pounds” or “get a 50K job”. No, make it just a list for tomorrow, and make it concrete, things that YOU have to DO. Like, for example, make breakfast and take your pills. Those are the first things on my list every day. Then put what you actually want to do tomorrow, such as clean bedroom, do laundry, apply for three jobs, go to the store, whatever. The very last thing on your list should be to write the next day's list.

The beauty of the list is that it helps you to stay on track, but most importantly, it lets you cross things off. Every time you do cross something off is a chance for you to say, I did that! Great! Pat yourself on the back!

One of the hard things about this is that it seems too small to matter, and even if it did matter, it can be almost impossible to know what exactly to do. In essence, major depression totally messes with your ability to make decisions. If this describes you, my best bit of advice is to find ways to take the decisions out of your hands. Find deciders for you, and just do what they tell you to do for a bit.

There were a few times that I let this happen, and it has always been to my benefit recently. Because somebody told me to ask about my heart at a doctor's visit, I found out about my heart attack. My best choice then was to insist to my cardiologist that he get me into a rehab program, because I knew if left to my own devices I would never get off my ass. I also knew that if I had an appointment when I just had to be there, I could do that. Once in the rehab gym, all I had to do was follow directions.

Another time was when I was about to become homeless. Maybe I could go live with mother, maybe my grandmother, maybe my father. I really couldn't care any less at the time. I was at bottom, and had no higher cognitive abilities at all. I just told my mom to deal with it. I eventually was told that I would stay with my dad, and that there would be “rules”. Rather than be put off by the revelation, I was relieved. I knew that I could benefit from structure and supervision. I now keep things around me cleaner. I am doing laundry more often, and all my clothes get properly put away. I clean the bathrooms every week. I clean up in the kitchen right away, and a bunch of other things. I'm doing all these things because my dad wants them done, but I know that they are habits that will serve me well in the future.

After a week or two in his house, something occurred to me, and it struck me like a bolt. It was so profound that I printed it up in bold large font letters and hung it over my monitor, so I see it all the time. It is one of the best lessons I ever figured out on my own. The sign simply says this: Some things you have to care about simply because others care about them.

One of the best things my dad has done for me is to put me in charge of his e-Bay project. He inherited a few dozen never worn wrist watches and some other things two years ago. He hasn't had the time to sell them on e-Bay, and asked me to look into it. This project has allowed me to use writing skills, photography, and organization. It's also given me a lot to cross off of to do lists.

The last example of just following orders I want to mention is that real early on in this process, a friend of mine got real frustrated with my attitude. She told me to tell her every day three things that I did that day for myself. I forgot about it right away, of course, but she asked me the next day. After that, I was forced to think about things I had done each and every day for about two weeks. That was the start of the first step I mentioned way back up there. All these things happened because I was smart enough to see that for a time at least, I was much better off listening to other people's commands rather than my own.

My last bit of advice is to seek professional help. I really don't know how much of my recent improvement is from the exercise, from the doing of things, or from the anti-depressants I'm on. I'm sure each of those things have had some impact, so I can't discount the drugs at all. Be careful about what you let them put you on. Or, at least, monitor exactly what effects the drugs seem to be having, and if they are bad, then let somebody know! But that's later. First, make the call. If you have a doctor, get an appointment. If you don't, or you have no insurance, call the crisis center in your town and get into the system.

So, in summary, do things no matter how small. The best small thing is to make a list. Next, cross things off that list and KNOW that you have done something. And if you can't decide what exactly to do, find somebody that you trust and do whatever they tell you to do. After a bit, and in less time than you think, you will have come farther than you thought you could. While the journey is long, it probably won't seem as daunting. You will get better, step by step and you will reform, limb by limb. 

For part one, go to Cyclothymia

For part two, go to I Don't Know and I Don't Care 
For part three, go to I Get Up I Get Down.